I wish there was a way I could show you,

How much you mean to me,

I wish there was a way you understood,

Without me having to explain it.

When I tell you I pray for you,

You send out a laugh as if it means nothing,

But I know how much my heart cries,

Every time I make that small prayer.

You say I don’t express enough,

Well what I do is the best I can,

If I could cut my chest open and show it all to you I would,

But that would mean I would have to die,

And I don’t want to die, because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

My one lack of phone call made you say so many things,

They hurt me and made me cry,

But I leave them in the past, because they are said and gone,

And I don’t want to waste any more time NOT loving you enough.

Hurting you is not even the last thing on my mind,

Loving you is all that is,

I wish I dint have to say this and explain,

Because it makes me sad that I cant show you to believe.

I know you are upset, and sad that I dint understand you,

But so am I, and I’m sorry I dint cal, but I never meant to hurt you,

Please don’t call me insensitive I beg, because my love for you I can’t explain,

You are my cute little angel and If I could I’d show you YOUR wings through the reflection of my heart.

Lets put this in the past, what I did and what you said,

I don’t want to regret not smiling at your thought even for a second,

Because I love you, and only you and again I can’t begin to explain how much,

Please try and understand it I pray to you,

As I am just human, and you are my angel.

still HOT

Just when I was talking to my friend on Facebook he made a weird comment to which I replied “don’t judge me.”

Well you can’t blame me for that it has always been this way. I do something and get judged for that.  My friend on Facebook was just being himself and telling me the truth, but the truth is generally hard to accept. Isn’t it?

I always hear people saying. “Just be yourself” but then those same people are the ones who say things and pass comments on you and others as if it is their business. Why?? I don’t understand.  I hear things like “I hate fake people”, “you can be honest to me “, “please tell me the truth”. But how many of those people follow that? I don’t know. But I kind of know the reason why. They are all scared of being judged. If you happen to tell people who you truly are you are scared that they may hate you. The fear of rejection and of being unwanted is what takes the toll of you. I personally do not blame people who may lie to me about themselves as any way it is none of my business to know the truth about them. But yes, I will have a problem with prejudice and hypocrisy. It is very easy to get into the band wagon and say you agree to something when in real you don’t, and it is also very easy to pass a comment and judgment over someone when you know the half truth or no truth at all. All this happens just to “FIT IN.”

Everybody wants to fit in, and why shouldn’t they?? After all that’s how it works right? Most of us are not loners so we do give a damn about the society and want to be involved in it. We all want to sit together and bitch about a particular girl who has no dressing sense, we all want to have a beer and pretend that we enjoy it because everybody does that, we all want to make fun of that boy who rides a scooty and fills petrol of just 30rs. We all do it, including me.

Sometimes to feel good about your miserable life one tends to put someone else down. Everybody at some point or the other in their life tends to do this mistake. Yes I call it a mistake and sooner you learn that the better it is for you as you can also be a victim of someone else’s judgment and not even know.

My point is you should “Just be yourself” but sometimes it’s ok not to be. What you have done and what you have become today is your journey and no other person on this planet is in the place to ‘know’ that. They may listen and say they understand and by that they mean they are taking it in their stride, digesting the fact, they understand you they do not understand the situation simply because they are not where you are. Nevertheless stick to these people, because by doing this they respect you for who you are.

This gets me to think that following the band wagon is so easy but going against it and being accepted so dearly is something that I have seen happen only with one person in my life. He is the only one I know who has never been anything other than just himself with everybody, no exceptions and is loved and adored by all. He is the only one who has put a point so easily and smoothly in front of me, and being the rigid person I am when it comes to arguments, I was left with no choice but to accept them all with full agreement. Of course there is a difference between just accepting and accepting with agreement right? He makes it look so easy to be yourself and I am sure he doesn’t have to work hard for that and also I am proud to say that he is the love of my life but not anyone and everyone can be like him. He has the blessing of being truthful to himself and others. Most of us can do it only with ourselves but for that too one requires a conscious. There are all kinds of people and the ones who can really be themselves are the lucky ones. Being you and being truthful are two different things. But that is a whole other topic to discuss. If and only if we could all do that, it would definitely be so easy to actually LIVE.

P.S. I named this blog “STILL HOT” because that’s what my friends said to me when we had this discussion. The discussion is “STILL HOT” *wink*

Opposites Attract !!! are we really opposites??

Introduction

Ever seen those movies where the guy is always the one who screws up. The gal is this ideal person who hardly makes any mistakes and the guy is d immature one making mistakes and creating history. The girl’s father is the one who doesn’t approve of the guy because he feels that he is not fit for his daughter and in spite of several attempts the guy fails to make things right, and say he does succeed, something comes his way and he screws up yet again. My story is kind of similar except that it’s d opposite. I (the girl) am the one who screws up, and He (the guy) is the good one in the relationship. 

Having this wonderful man in my life I feel so lucky and blessed. Even he says the same, that he feels lucky and blessed but I wonder why he says that. I am just this ordinary girl with a little more than ordinary looks, but my lifestyle, behavior, dressing is all extra ordinary and, not in a good way. I have a particular way of living in which I make sure I don’t hurt anyone in the bargain of keeping myself entertained but when I end up hurting someone it kills me. Especially when it is someone I dearly love. He is the ideal man, the one that everybody loves, pet in the house and adored by his friends, hardworking, honest and empathetic, Kind, polite and mature. The one, who knows to maintain relationships, and touch his elders feet when he meets them. The one who plans about his future and makes a budget, the one woman man, a true lover and a loving son. I, on the other hand am that crazy chick who goes for parties and dances like a freak, who has tried all kinds of drinks possible and had a few relationships and ended them, I am that in disciplined girl who has cheated for her exams and failed countless times. I am that crazy chick who has sneaked out of the house and gotten caught, but at the same time I am also that girl who has a strong willpower and fought cancer, I am that girl who has chosen her family over love, I am that girl who will stand like a shield in front of her family and protect them if any one even tries to lay a finger on them, I am that girl who knows to love. But is that enough??!!

Our 1st Valentine

Somewhere I belong, somewhere in your heart,

You have given me so much but a little place would be enough,

You are my dream Shanii, and I love you with all my might,

My soul belongs to you, and to you belongs my life.

Your eyes so beautiful, your smile so divine,

You taste so delicious my chocolate praline,

When I close my eyes I see you,

And every time you touch me I feel new.

Sorrows have disappeared out of my life,

I keep singing day and night,

I know my poem is silly and very plain,

But you know silly lines are easy to frame.

I don’t even have to worry to impress you,

But I still want to because its YOU,

YOU are someone I dreamed of all my life,

And now that I have you I want to love the hell out of your life.

No matter how much you say,

That you are lucky to have me,

But God knows the truth,

As he has written my story.

I love you more than my life,

And I am sorry I dint do anything extraordinary for you today,

This itself shows that I am so ordinary,

And you are great to love me without any plans.

No matter what I do for you, I’ll always fall short,

But I will try till my last breath,

Because you deserve nothing less,

Nothing less than my life’s worth.

Google it is (2)

“Get out of the house right now, we are going to the doctor” I was yelling on top of my voice. “No” said Sonia, as determined as possible. “if you don’t get out right now I will make sure that I get a doctor home” I said. “I’ll take my bike and leave and go bang it somewhere” she said. Now my blood was boiling. Here she is, standing in front of me with 30 tablets of Crocin down her throat and now fussing about coming with me to the doctor?! I had just lost all my calm, I just wanted to slap her hard, get her unconscious and carry her to the hospital but then I thought to myself, ‘she has already taken a stupid decision by losing her calm so I cannot afford to lose mine’ “ok, fine at least can we go out for a ride? I swear to God I won’t take you to see the doctor” I lied. Looking at me so determined not to leave she said “ok, I’ll just take my jacket”

I had no clue as to which doctor to take her to. It was 15^th August so I was wondering if the doctor’s were on a holiday. So silly of me to think that, but what can one expect from a person who is in a literal life and death situation. “Sonia, don’t sleep” I was instructing her as I was holding her with one hand and riding my bike with the other. “Oh God, why dint I get my car, it would have been easy to handle her” I was thinking to myself. Squeakkkk I hear the sound of one car breaking right in front of me. The man inside jus made a hand movement which indicated “what the hell are u doing?” I dint have time to stop or apologize, I just carried on. “baby please don’t sleep” I was begging her. “PP, where are you taking me? Are you taking me to your place?” she was questioning me in her droopy voice. “No, I am taking you to the river side. Remember I had told you about this beautiful place?” I was trying my best to convince her.

I parked my bike in the parking lot of Trishul General Hospital. Sonia was in her senses. She looked at the hospital and was all ready to run. “I will start screaming right here that you consumed paracetamol and tell the whole world” I warned her, and she knew I wasn’t lying. She knew my crazy side and despite the fact that she liked that part of my personality otherwise I could swear that she hated that quality of mine that very moment. “PP it’s so embarrassing” she started to cry. “Nobody needs to know If you walk in quietly with me. I know some doctors here they’ll take care of you”.

As we entered the hospital I could sense everybody looking at us. As if they knew what Sonia had done. For some unknown reason I was embarrassed. I walked inside and spoke to the nurse. “I need to see the doctor, my friend here is experiencing severe headache and stomach pain” I said. “Fill this form and sit in the waiting the doctor will see you in just a bit” said the nurse. “PP I am so sorry, you are going through all this trouble because of me.” Her eyes were filled with apologetical tears. “It’s ok Sonia, I’ll handle it, just please co-operate with me and the doctors.”

“Please come inside” said the nurse. The doctor started her check up and as usual asked her ‘where are you feeling pain? For how many hours? What did you eat?’ and this dumb nut was answering her questions without telling her why she was actually there. “she consumed 30 tablets of crocin” I blurted. Sonia stared at me as if asking ‘couldn’t you be a little more delicate?’ and the doctor just staring blankly at me and then at Sonia. “Why did you consume those tablets?” she questioned Sonia. There was this cold side to the doctor. It looked like she hardly cared. Probably that’s the reaction one must expect when she tries to kill herself. If you don’t want to live what’s the point of me being nice.

Sonia was quiet. She dint tell the doctor the reason of course. “we have to get it all out, need to put a pipe through your nose and flush it out” said the doctor.

The next thing I know I was out of the room and Sonia was been treated.

“she’s just not co-operating, we have to admit her” the doctor was telling me. I was staring at Sonia as she was sitting there, not even with the slightest of regret for doing what she did but actually feeling sorry for putting me through all this trouble. “you better get yourself admitted babe, if you want I’ll stay with you, tell your folks that you are crashing at my house tonight and I’ll tell my folks the same but you need to get admitted.. please…. “ I was begging her now. “PP call my brother. I don’t want you to stay here with me in case something serious happens” she said. “are you sure?” I asked. “yes” she replied assertively.

“hello… vivek, hey listen…. Can you come to trishul hospital… ya… actually Sonia has consumed some tablets and she has been asked to admit herself… ya … ok…. I’ll come near the cross road” click. The call was made, Vivek was on his way.

“why the hell did she do that???!!!!!” vivek questioned me as soon as he reached. “I don’t know, please ask her, she’s inside. I have some work to do.  You have my number. Just call me if you need anything” I said and left as I had to go to purchase something my mom had asked me to get.

Tring tring.. my phone was buzzing. “ya vivek tell me” I said. “PP , Sonia is in a serious condition, the doctor said she is critical and there’s a high chance that she can die by morning” vivek was talking to me and I caught nothing other than ‘she can die by morning’. “I’ll be right there” I said and hung up. My heart was beating like crazy and I could actually feel my heart sink for the first time in my life. I reached the hospital in two minutes but it felt like I was riding my bike for hours.

Vivek was standing outside the hospital. Tears rolling down his face. I had no clue how to console him. Beep beep beep I dialed my landline number. “hello pappa…” and I told my dad the entire story and begged him to come to the hospital as soon as possible.

Dad was there and so was rohan, Sonia’s boyfriend. I took dad to the room she was admitted in. looking at her I was in tears. My knees went weak. She had a pipe going through her nose and she was lying as if unconscious, unable to move. I was terrified looking at her condition. There was vomit on her clothes and she was vomiting more but still, unable to move.  My dad went and sat next to her talking to her. “Sonia.. don’t worry ok.. u’ll be just fine.. please cooperate with the doctors dear” Sonia was weeping now. As if saying ‘I m sorry for letting anybody tell you that I am dying.’

I was out by than talking to the doctor asking her what I should be doing next. She gave me a letter and asked me to take her to GMC as it was a police case and it would be best if we took her there as the hassles would be minimal. I was in two minds but I had to do something quick. My dad made a few calls and decided that we should take her to GMC after all.

As I was getting ready to leave with my car I asked vivek and rohan to get Sonia in rohan’s car. They followed my instructions. I reached GMC and spoke to the doctors in the casualty. They asked me to get Sonia inside.

From there on she was under the supervision of the GMC doctors. We just did the running about of getting her admission done and taking her to the woman’s ward. “she’ll be alright. We are only worried about her liver, it can have some damage. But other than that she’ll be fine” and that, was our first sigh of relief.

Sonia lived, but there is still a part of me that wonders whether she deserved it. There are people in this world who fight to live. Ask me, I fought myself. Terrible things happen to people mentally, physically and emotionally but they still have the guts to look life in the eyes and challenge it. Ending one’s life requires guts, but living it requires courage. I hope she has realized that even if she doesn’t love herself her family and friends do. Once she was out of the hospital there were many things I told her about life, death, family, friends, strength, weakness and she listened, but the one thing I tell her even today after all the brainstorming and counseling sessions is that ‘I love her, no matter what’. That’s all I can say and that’s all she needs to hear.

Google it is

“Now what do I do??” was what I was thinking after two of my friends where getting ready to leave for home after a neat cup of coffee at canape. We had met after a really long time hence, there was a lot we had to share but alas, the time was just not sufficient for out non-stop chatter.  She had to go home and pack as she had to leave for Pune in two hours.  Dolly and Raul, brother and sister, had been my friends for almost 2 years now. “chal then, hopefully I’ll see you soon.” We wished each other and left.

“Hey, what you doing man?” is what I blabbed when ‘Google’ picked up the phone. Well that’s what I named Sonia after I had gotten to know that she googled about every damn thing, from clothes to medicines to every small little thing that crossed her mind. It was just a private joke that Sonia , Bushu and I shared. Nobody else knew why we called her that.  Bushu that is my best friend was in Bangalore that weekend.

“nothing ya. Jus at home watching t.v” is what google said. I heard her sobbing “sniff sniff” so I asked her “what happened?? Why are you crying??” “nothing happened, I am fine” said my google, snorting. “ok. I’ll be there in 5” is what I said and hung up. On my way to her place I was thinking “ I am sure as always she might have had a BIG fight with Rohan.” I hated that guy her boyfriend. Anyway she loved him so it was none of my business to interfere in her matters. I just had to be there for her as a friend.

“Aago kite zale?? You fought with Rohan again??” I said in a casual tone. I could still hear her crying in her kitchen and talking on the phone so I decided to leave her alone for a while assuming that she was talking to Rohan. “hi” said Sonia when she came out of the kitchen with a box of juice in her hand and sat in front of me on her favorite chair. She was telling me about the massive fight she had with Rohan and sipping continuously on that orange juice. I was listening to what she was saying but my attention was on that juice box not because I wanted a sip but because I was wondering why is this woman drinking that juice as if she has been craving for it for generations? May be she does that when she is upset. Next time she is upset I’ll just get her a box of juice so that it can cool her off. “and then he answered my call and told me he was out with his friends so he couldn’t answer  my call” and again I was listening to her,  this time very attentively.  “arre baba. Its ok, chill. Come on lets go for a ride u’ll feel better” is what I said. “no PP I’ll just go to sleep. My head is heavy but before that can I please use your phone?? I want to google something” said Sonia. So now it was proven. Google it is. “ya sure” is what I said in a mocking tone. I was always known as a very sarcastic person by my friends so when I threw it at them they did not mind. “what the hell do you want to google now?? Show me I’ll type it for you” I nagged her. “no thanks” is what she said it in the most polite way she could manage. After completing her power search I asked her again “what the hell were u searching for??” she just plainly said “nothing I am going to sleep. You go home” and stomped into her bedroom. Curious cat that I am, I went through my phone investigating every bit of the site she had visited and to my shock noticed ‘what happens with an over dose of paracetamol.’ Before I could say anything to her she came out of her bedroom holding her head and telling me that her head is getting kind of heavy so she’ll just sleep it off.

“what in God’s name have you done sonia??” I just calmly asked her. “what are you talking about??” is what she asked me. “why the hell were you Googling  the over dose of peracetamol?”  was my next question but this time I was louder. “arre nothing ya. I just had a crazy though of consuming some tablets but I dropped my plan” is what she said to me in a nervous tone. “swear on me you did not consume them already” I demanded. “I swear on you I did not consume any tablets” she lied. “oh really??!! Let me just check” is what I said with all my sarcasm and stormed into her kitchen straight into her dustbin.  There it was lying in one small plastic bag 2 strips i.e. 30 tablets of empty crocin packets. I picked them up and asked her “what the hell is this??” this time I was so angry she could literally sniff my anger and I could sniff her fear. The fear was not that she consumed them it was that I had revealed her hidden crime. “I dint consume any crocin babe. I only cleaned my medicine box that’s all” is what she blabbered.

“Don’t you bloodie hell lie to me, you are really annoying me now. Get your ass out of the house.  We are going to the doctor” I demanded.

‘What happens with over dose of crocin’?? I had no clue. I always thought crocin was the most harmless medicine. Every time I had a fever or a headache I would just pop in one and it would relieve me from the pain. ‘what could possibly be the side effects  of crocin??’

Tick tick tick I dialed my friends number expecting him to be in his office. “hey rish, could you do me a favor??” I begged. “hey, ya sure what’s the matter??” he could sense panic in my voice. “could you please find out what happens with an overdose of crocin?” I asked. “what?? What happened?? Are you ok??” it was his turn to panic. “ya I am fine, just please tell me, google it for me please, its urgent”  I begged again. “ya sure sure just hold on” he said.  “overdose of paracetamol leads to headache and severe liver damage and if not treated on time it can lead to death due to liver failure” he read out to me.

Now I was nervous. That literal feeling of shitting and pissing at the same time one feels when you are not prepared for your exam and your dad has warned you that if u fail he will keep u grounded for 3 months. Except that this feeling was hundred times worse. Now I also wanted to vomit with nervousness.

“ok thanks rish, I’ll call you back ok and don’t worry I dint do anything stupid, it’s my friend Sonia” is what I said to Rishi. “ok, please take care and rush her to the hospital immediately”  he advised.